the rationality of death

23.04.2026

S: Camus asks this question, why should we not commit suicide? It is the one question. The great question.

A: And what do you think of Camus?

S: Does a man need a reason to live? Why does he need a reason to live? Why can he not just live life? And this is what Camus says. That there is no reason to live. Just to live life.

A: Can you just live life without any meaning in it?

S: Who knows? Viktor Frankl says that you have to have a meaningful life.

A: Why do you keep on living yourself?

S: Do you know something? The most rational thing would be to die.

A: Surely, you jest.

S: Not at all. This life is confusion. This life is suffering. Hurt and disappointment. This life is a cage. This life is isolation. This life is one full of suspicion, misunderstanding, prejudice, hate, injustice, apathy and hostility. How sweet it would be to free from all this! The rational decision would be to die. It is no surprise why people choose to commit suicide.

A: Why then do you live if there is nothing to live for?

S: Duty ties me down to the earth when I should be sitting in heaven. The family. The community. The Oppressed. The Mother. The duty to keep on living for others. The duty not to be known as a coward that could not face life when I must be brave because I am the warrior and the splendour of Punjab. For myself, I would not live.

A: Do you really think that those poor souls that commit suicide are free? That they have escaped this world which you find so mean and cheap?

S: What else? Do you know where psychologists say that you find the utmost happiness? In a flow state. When you forget about everything else except for the activity that you love. In which the self is completely extinguished. What about sex? For that moment of bliss when you come, you forget everything. It is the little death. The utmost happiness is death. It is the rational decision.

A: The rational decision is life. To live. To make the world a better place. To fight those that would make it a hell.

S: Why do you think god has come down upon the earth? Because it was too full of sin. That is why he is reborn every time, when sin outweighs goodness. But has he come down from heaven for happiness? No. The common crowd follow happiness. The god follows duty. His mother called for him because they had tried to take The Mother’s honour. The people prayed for him to come into the world because they were oppressed. They asked for a champion. Duty binds the god to this world. The work has not been achieved yet. The Revolution has not come. I am the child of destiny, of fate. The gifts have been given to me. I am The Tiger. And since I am The Tiger, I have to show energy. I have to show life. The seductions of easeful death are great. The mouth waters. But there are only two deaths available to The Tiger. A glorious death in battle. Or in bed. There is no real war. And there are too many years left still to be lived for this peaceful death in the bed. So we live. With reluctance.

reluctance to write

A: I notice that you are reluctant to write at the moment.

S: One wonders where it goes. One wonders what it does. One wonders, in short, why?

A: You have your readers.

S: Enemies and critics.

A: You have something to say.

S: Which no one wants to listen to.

A: You are The Tiger.

S: The mortal enemy of this world.

A: You cannot stop writing. They expect. They read you every day in every way.

S: There is only one reason why I write. So that they cannot defeat me. Defeat us. The Oppressed. This learning, it is for The Oppressed. This mind, it is for The Oppressed. This body? It belongs to The Oppressed.

A: Why can you not just live for yourself?

S: I am The Oppressed. I am The Mother. It is the authentic self. There is nothing other.

A: Write then for them.

S: Have you ever considered the language of the warrior?

A: What do you mean?

S: The words of a fighter are charged with energy, absolute energy. It is the fight. The pen is not mightier than the sword. The pen itself is the sword.

A: Language as a weapon?

S: Language as the fist. Language as the kick. Language as the choke hold. The mastery over the language is the mastery over the martial arts.

A: Who has taught you this?

S: The gurus. The activists. The scholars. Hindi film. They have made the writer into the warrior. And the duty of the warrior? Even when he is cut into pieces, he will fight. Even when all else have been defeated and he stands as the last man on the battlefield, he will fight. Fighting is what he was born and raised to do. It is his life. And so, he fights. He writes.

A: With reluctance?

S: The war is hard. Life is hard. Yes, with reluctance. But still he writes. Because he believes in that one spark that will light up this world. That precious one, that precious reader that will become The Tiger too. What The Oppressed pray for, what The Mother desires. Freedom.

dishonourable peace or honourable revolution

21.04.2026

A: The words ‘peace’ and ‘revolution’ in Hindi rhyme. ‘Shanti’ and ‘Kranti’.

S: What would you rather have? Shanti ya kranti? Peace or Revolution?

A: I am sure that most people would say peace.

S: I do not.

A: You would rather not have calm in your life?

S: Where peace is dishonourable, it is unacceptable. The choice is simple.

A: You think the Revolution is honourable?

S: What else?

A: Why talk always about honour?

S: Because we come from the honour society. We are honour. The Mother who we worship is our honour.

A: How is peace dishonourable?

S: Do you know what Sophie Scholl’s last words were before the Nazis killed her for resisting them? She said, “How can we expect righteousness to prevail when there is hardly anyone willing to give himself up individually to a righteous cause?” We are living in the times of the fascists. We are living in the times of the haters and the cowards. We are living in the time of discrimination, injustice and lies. To accept peace on their terms, with those that are dishonourable, is tantamount to being dishonourable onself. And if we have spent our whole life fighting for our honour, for the honour of our mother, how could we look at ourselves in the mirror or look anyone else in the face? To have honour is to be righteous. It is to fight for righteousness. The Revolution over a dishonourable peace every time.

A: What is so honourable about The Revolution?

S: The Revolution is against the dishonourable in the name of honour, of The Mother’s honour. The Mother is honour. The Mother is us.

A: They hate you for saying that The Mother is honour and that she is your honour.

S: So what? Everything that they say and do is delusion and oppression. It is a lie. Their thoughts are lies and their lives are lies. One does not listen to a fool or a coward. That is what they do. Not us. We are Punjabi. We are the Tigers of Punjab. A real man does not listen to those that would make him a non-man.

A: Live without calm. Live without peace.

S: I am blessed that I live without peace. I am blessed that I am the warrior. I am blessed that I have chosen The Revolution. Because in The Revolution there is glory, the bliss of glory. There is only one lack. A warrior worthy to be the enemy of The Tiger. The enemy does not have a Karana in their midst. All they have is corruption.

A: You are an intellectual terrorist. That is what they think of you.

S: The intellectual terrorist is them. They live their law through coercion and duress. Their taxes and their exploitation of the Oppressed is gained through coercion and duress. They pretend there is the illusion of choice and freedom when all they have is their cage and their prison. Their thought is a cage and a prison. Their thought is violence against us and The Mother. Yes, they are the intellectual terrorists. And I? I am god. I am the liberator. I am The Tiger. I am freedom. The ungovernable wild beast.

wanting the world

20.04.2026

A: I think it is true of you to want the world.

S: I don’t think so. I imagine that you are referring to my ambitions?

A: Yes.

S: I do not want the world. That is the mark of the coloniser. The imperialist.

A: But you want the whole world to love you and to fall at your feet.

S: Victory is won over the heart. Not over land.

A: History would say otherwise.

S: In any case, having looked at the world, having explored the world, I no longer want the world. It is a detestable and disgusting thing this world.

A: What do you want then?

S: I don’t want to impress them. I am much better than them.

A: But come, tell me what you want?

S: In many ways, I want only to destroy them. Have you ever read ‘Perfume’ by Suskind? In the end, he no longer wants the love of the people. It is not enough. It is nothing.

A: What does the genius want?

S: The genius wants above all things to play the game. And I do play the games. Several games. Art, writing, music, song, photography, scholarship.

A: But you have often enough told me that you play to win. There is no winning in these games that you are playing.

S: You are wrong. I am winning against them. They would have me, through the conditions they impose, to do nothing and to be no one. To have no voice, body or soul. Every time that I make something, I am preserving Punjabi culture. I am preserving and transmitting to the next generation the spirit of The Tiger. I am winning. I always win. Because to be the authentic self is to win. To be a man is to win. To be a god? Is that not winning? The People, The Oppressed, they have chosen this champion. The one with the gift of the mind. The one with the gift of strength. The one with the gift of endurance. The one with the gift of talent. The one with the gift of genius. The one that is the champion. They have chosen the one that wins.

the characteristics of the arrogant

12.04.2026

S: What do you think of arrogance?

A: What do you mean? Does not everyone hate it?

S: Not at all. The leaders that the people vote in are all arrogant. There is right wing fascism taking over the world right now. The incapable are in power with just bluster and bullshit. How can you say that the people hate arrogance? They love it.

A: The typical jaded view.

S: Do you know the ones? They were and are and will be self-absorbed narcissists, arrogant and preening bastards. Without much to offer. And yet, they find that they have love, adulation, relationships, money, everything.

A: Why not become like them?

S: Don’t you always tell me that I am one of them? That I always boast and strut around?

A: You are not arrogant. You never talk down to anyone. You merely change the canter of the horse for each individual.

S: At the same time, I believe I am the best. That there is no one better. What do you think of that?

A: It comes down to the distinction that they make between confidence and arrogance. A woman will like confidence she says. But not arrogance.

S: The thin line. The line of discretion.

A: Tell me the characteristics of the arrogant.

S: The arrogant cannot listen to anyone else. They are deaf. The arrogant cannot see anyone else. They are blind. The arrogant can only see their own perspective, no one else’s. The arrogant believe themselves to be morally superior to everyone else, that there can be no better way of doing things. The arrogant believe that they are entitled to all the good things in the world. They should be the writers, artists, singers, managers, lovers. The arrogant have had every privilege handed to them in life from birth. They are first born sons. They are born rich. They are born into the dominant culture, the culture of domination. They might be exceptional in some way, like looks for instance. Which have gone to their head.

A: This composite is based on what?

S: A lifetime of looking. Do you not remember that I have been to a grammar school and the London School of Economics? I have studied with the richest people in London and the country and the world. I have worked with many managers over a lifetime. I know exactly what they think – that everything is for them, that no one is better than them. And they will ruthlessly crush real talent when it rises from someone down the food chain that will not kow tow to them. The example is standing before you.

A: How can you fight them if you do not become them? You have to become an authority.

S: If to become an authority means to sell your soul and your identity, it is not worth it. If power comes to evil, then power has to be forsaken. Resistance is honesty, the honesty of humility.

A: You say that you are humble. You have never accepted anyone’s authority or claim to power above yourself.

S: I am named after god. I am god. I am named after The Tiger. I am The Tiger. I am absolute power on this earth. Only The Mother is above me and she dwells not on earth, but in heaven. I am the anarchist. I accept no one above me. I accept no greater earthly power.

A: Is this not arrogance?

S: We come to shades of thought. This is self-belief. This is confidence. I am the splendour of Punjab, of India. I am the son of the soil. I am the champion of the people. I am their ego. Yet, I listen to others. I try to understand others. I try to see through their eyes. I serve them. Because a king does not rule, he serves the people. I come from a Sikh background as well as a Hindu one. We serve the community. We protect the community. And that means putting their needs above our needs. Putting their wants above our wants. They have prayed for a hero to protect the honour of The Mother. And the hero has been born into humble conditions where he has learnt humility. The hero cannot be arrogance. As Gandhi remembered, the leader of the people has abject humility and embraces poverty. He rejects show for substance. And the sin of unjustified false pride for justified recognition of the splendour that is The Mother and her representative on earth, The Tiger.

being jilted

07.04.2026

A: We were talking yesterday of the experience of being jilted. You have told me about it happening to you. What does it feel like?

S: You are on a boat in the sea. You think you have love and support from the fellow passenger that you have with you. Suddenly, they are gone. You are abandoned. A part of yourself has died. You are left to continue the journey yourself. You are all alone. You are suffering.

A: And the bed?

S: You are fighting to get up every morning. It is a hard fight. You do not want to get up. There is no point in going on. The one you were with, that you wanted, that was the one that gave colour and meaning to this life. And all the while, you know that you did not do anything wrong. You did not deserve to be abandoned or rejected. It is the unfairness of the thing. It is the meaninglessness of the thing. You are aware now of how expendable you are. Of how harsh and cold and hostile and apathetic this world is. Love has been taken away from you. Someone that thought of you when you were not there is gone. You are not special to anyone. And, out there, something or someone has been thought more deserving of the love that you wanted so badly.

A: Those are the thoughts. The feelings?

S: Nausea. Your stomach is tearing itself apart. When you lie there in the bed, it is like you are living through a nightmare. I am all alone. I am all alone. I will never have love in my life. My love is doomed. In this whole world, there is not one person that will give me love. All that I asked for was love. Life is meaningless when you have to be alone. Nothing is worth it if you have to be alone. All this work that I did, it was for love. Everything has soured.

A: Is there more?

S: Do you want to talk about the mental problems that come afterwards? The medical illnesses? Do you want to talk about how it takes three or more years to get better afterwards? Let us not go into that. Consider the plight of Miss Havisham, the life dedicated to the pain of being jilted and abandoned.

A: And yet, the people here can move from one person to another without any remorse or regret.

S: Because everyone is expendable here. No one means anything. You are punished if you love someone and care for them. Love is suffering. Having a heart in this world is suffering. Being different, too different to be loved? That is suffering. People hate me because I am a cynic, a pessimist and a realist. I see man as a wolf to man. There is the reason. And yet, even though no one should be trusted, we trust. Even though no one loves, we expect love. Because what would life be otherwise? Suspicion, hate, nausea and disgust.

Eternal Beauty: Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and Being Jilted in Love

06.04.2026

Alfonso and myself had gone walking a few days ago. We had managed three parks between us, two of them new to my acquaintance. We had met up in the morning at Valentine’s Park in Ilford and then just spontaneously decided to spend the whole day together. The next park had been Seven Kings where we had met someone in the hospital in another spontaneous decision. They were in a sad state. Finally, we had gone down to Hatfield Forest in the evening which we had all to ourselves. It was the first time that I had been there and I saw deer, rabbits, nuthatches, blue tits, great tits, red kites, woodpeckers, swans, duck and geese. Nature seemed abundant there.

We had gone back to Alfonso’s place where he had cooked me a steak and ale pie with chips and vegetables. And then we had watched ‘Eternal Beauty’, a British film, also about a sad state. The story was that a woman had been jilted by the man that she loved which had caused her to become depressed and also to develop paranoid schizophrenia, with all of the bizarre symptoms that went with it.

Alfonso had remarked that this kind of thing did not happen nowadays. But I knew several people that it had happened to. Many of them were still suffering from being jilted in love.

‘Why is it,’ Alfonso asked me, after we watched the movie, late in the night, ‘that this depression happens to these jilted lovers?’

‘Imagine that you have been passed over for someone else by the person whose opinion you cared about most in the world,’ I said to Alfonso. ‘It destroys your ego and your sense of self-worth. It is one of the most violent psychological acts imaginable.’

‘Do you speak with experience?’

‘Yes, indeed. Knowing that someone rejected your very self. That is the most horrible part. They rejected you entirely, your entire identity. They found you lacking. They preferred someone over you.’

‘But then,’ asked Alfonso, ‘How can you be so confident when it has happened to you?’

‘Because it is my life. Life teaches you to resign yourself to things. I was rejected from Cambridge when I passed the interview. Because I was brown and Indian and an ethnic minority man. They rejected me because of my identity. They put me on the reserve list for top jobs after I graduated from university even though I passed the interviews. Because I was brown and Indian and an ethnic minority man. Relationships? Others chosen over me. Let us not stipulate the reasons as this is the cancel culture. I have lived through it all.’

‘How have you lived through it all?’

‘Because in ‘Eternal Beauty’, the heroine blames herself. The depressed blames themselves. I don’t blame myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. I did everything right. I blame other people. It is other people that are wrong. Not me. I tell myself that I am perfect. That I am good. That I am charming, funny, clever, handsome strong. It is their judgement that is in question, not mine. I don’t subject myself to their violence and the violence of their perception.’

‘Have you ever considered to yourself that you are unloveable? Because no one loves you? Because there is always someone chosen above you?’

‘What is the love of a tyrant and an oppressor? It is not worth having. I don’t want to be loved by the oppressor. Of course, I am loveable. Because I am love itself. I am loveable because I am difference. There are still those that love difference. I am loveable because I am India.’

‘But the reality is that you are not loved.’

‘That is not decided yet. I am still young. I still have life in me. This world is full of bodies and minds. It only takes one person to love you.’

‘Do you ever feel down?’

‘Of course. Just this morning, I lay in bed. I felt exhausted by sadness. There was no reason to get up. I wanted to be away from the world and its hostility, apathy and heartlessness. Away from other people. But then, I told myself that you cannot make anyone love you. You can’t reason any one into accepting difference, accepting me, the identity of The Tiger. The fact is that I love The Tiger. The fact is that The Mother loves The Tiger. I am a god. The Mother is a goddess. This love is heavenly and eternal. Mere mortals cannot conceive of this love or imitate it. Despite the lack of love in this world, despite being jilted and rejected over and over again, I am still here. I am still striving for love for our community of Tigers in this world. I never blame us for the rejections that we get, for how we have to suffer jilting. I never blame us for not being accepted. We are pure. We are strength. We are the truth. We are love. We are loveable people. I do not accept despair. And so, I got up.’

‘Why do you think the heroine of the film had paranoid schizophrenia?’

‘Every time, the world hurt her. When she was a beauty queen, they chose her sister over her as the beauty queen. Her would be husband chose someone over her. Her new boyfriend chose someone over her. Others were living the life that she wanted to live. Others were living her happiness and her dreams. Others had someone. She was all alone. She had no one. She did not have acceptance or love. That is hurt. That is hurt not to be part of the community. They are all against her. And so, is it not natural that she would develop paranoid schizophrenia? When the whole world is out there to hurt you and take away everything from you, love and work, beauty and self, then surely you would fear all, fear this world? It is a natural response to the hostilities of this life. To the attack of the personality and the ego.’

‘Why do you think that the audience roots for this heroine, feels her pain?’

‘Do they though? Or do they find humour and entertainment in her suffering? The audience loves the spectacle of suffering which they have created through their lack of love, through their intolerance and non-acceptance of difference. Yet there is a paradox in difference. They have to monitor difference. Because it could become accepted.’

‘You identify with the heroine?’

‘Do you know something about the heroine? Even though this world is what it is, she dares to love even though she knows it will result in the destruction of the self. Because she has the heart of The Tiger. She will love. She will love with everything. She will think of nothing but love. Because she is the lover.’

‘You say that you are the lover.’

‘I believe. Knowing what this world is, I still believe that it is love that is victory, strength and fate. I believe that it will be the reign of love.’

‘You believe that because you are full of love, that you are loveable. Maybe it is the case that because you are full of love, in this world of hate, that you are unloveable.’

‘I am in the game. We will see what happens in this game. At the moment, I have some love. I have wrenched it from a world that says have none. I have fought for it.’

‘Keep fighting for it. You are love.’

‘Love is war and war is love. The warrior is a lover and the lover is a warrior. In ‘Eternal Beauty’, the heroine rends the wallpaper from the walls. She tears at the structures that enclose her, that trap her soul. She has the claws of The Tiger. She is the lover and the warrior. Love has taught us to fight.’

the value of volunteering

14.03.2026

A: You volunteer a lot, don’t you?

S: Yes.

A: What exactly is it that you do?

S: Curation, Journalism, Research writing, Protecting the planet and nature, Inspiring the protection of the planet, Advocating to the government for the poor, Activism, Working with Human Resource Issues, Being a Newsletter Editor, Professional Photography, Fundraising, Events Organisation, Tour guiding, Explaining art, Teaching, Presenting…

A: Many hats. Many skills.

S: Everything that is needed and asked for, everything that is wanted. Yet, it impresses no one. Yet it brings in nothing for me personally.

A: Why do it then?

S: I’ve always wanted to be a good person. I’ve always wanted to build the community.

A: Don’t you think that you have done enough?

S: There is always more to do.

A: They would suck at the blood in your veins. They would keep you working and working.

S: People need help. I can help them.

A: What is the value of this volunteering?

S: Personal satisfaction. The right to look in the mirror. The use of the privilege that has been given to me through the lottery of life. The knowledge that I am a man. That I have used my gifts to benefit and improve this world. That I have touched countless lives and influenced for the better. The knowledge that I have not squandered my gifts.

A: In all this, there is no reward. They do not even care about your volunteering in interviews.

S: That is the worst thing about being a man and having honour, for serving the community. You get nothing out of it. That is the regret.

A: Why not keep the time for yourself?

S: There is a big difference between a man and a non-man. A man has a social conscience and integrity. He will work for the community. He has a big heart. A non-man has nothing and is nothing. You can’t ask me to become like these non-men. Because I am a man and I have a heart.

the enemy world

09.03.2026

S: This world is an enemy. One whose clutches you cannot escape.

A: You have become an enemy to this world.

S: I was born its enemy. To have a heart is to create a foe to what is.

A: Do you not think that others have hearts?

S: Where is the evidence for it? Because love is something that has to be shown.

A: No one has shown you love? You have a girlfriend.

S: It is only her that shows me love.

A: What do you do with this girlfriend?

S: Explore existence.

A: She sounds more like a philosopher than a girlfriend.

S: I will not tell what we do. Because there is the eye of envy. As well as the eye of ignorance. This world would destroy love. That is what this world is. If one were to describe it, it could be described as love killing.

A: Why do you say this?

S: Have you ever watched the traditional Indian film? Two fall in love. Then the whole world goes against them. Not only rivals in love and villains, but also families. All anyone can think of is to kill love. It is a world that kills love.

A: This is a movie.

S: Not at all. It is my own personal experience.

A: How so?

S: Even the ones you love want you to kill your love. Do you know what torture it is is when you love someone and you cannot have them? They want you to endure this torture. It is no wonder that Nietzsche went mad when he could not have the one that he loved.

A: You escaped madness. By a whisper.

S: And now, I have someone. And I hide her from this cruel world that would take her away from me and the cruel ones that would have all kill their love.

the unequal bargain between the world and the genius

05.03.2026

S: If you investigate thoroughly, you will see that life is not fair.

A: How so?

S: Look at these wars in Iran. What have the common people done to deserve these deaths and these atrocities? It is the politicians that have inspired the fight. Yet, who suffers? The innocent. It is always the innocent that suffer.

A: Sometimes you say the people are one with the politicians.

S: It is the dirtiness and the ubiquity and omnipotence of the state for these worshippers of the state. They do not have the courage to do without the state. They cannot rule themselves like we can. They are not powerful like we are. They do not believe in themselves. They believe in the state. Where we would see its death, all they want is to breathe their life into the state.

A: How else is life unfair?

S: The young, they will inherit a barren earth because of the selfishness and greed of these around us, their ignorance and apathy. The exploited of the earth have nothing. The ones that choose who will work and who will play, who can say that their decisions are fair? The lottery of life. I have been born into a country with wealth while others starve and sing for pennies.

A: A bad account of the world all around.

S: Have you ever also considered the unequal bargain between the world and the genius? The world gives the genius nothing but hate and apathy and misunderstanding. And the genius? Because of his wisdom, the genius gives the world everything as a gift. The fact that genius has to be a gift with no reward and no recognition tells you about this world. It is exploitation. It is cruelty. It is selfishness and greed. It is arrogance.

A: How can you change the unfairness of the world?

S: I will not be like them and lie to say that the world is fair. I will not close my eyes to the truth. I will call it out. What else is there? You think these will let the world become fair? Of course not. It serves them to be unfair and they benefit from its unfairness.