Eternal Beauty: Depression, Paranoid Schizophrenia and Being Jilted in Love

06.04.2026

Alfonso and myself had gone walking a few days ago. We had managed three parks between us, two of them new to my acquaintance. We had met up in the morning at Valentine’s Park in Ilford and then just spontaneously decided to spend the whole day together. The next park had been Seven Kings where we had met someone in the hospital in another spontaneous decision. They were in a sad state. Finally, we had gone down to Hatfield Forest in the evening which we had all to ourselves. It was the first time that I had been there and I saw deer, rabbits, nuthatches, blue tits, great tits, red kites, woodpeckers, swans, duck and geese. Nature seemed abundant there.

We had gone back to Alfonso’s place where he had cooked me a steak and ale pie with chips and vegetables. And then we had watched ‘Eternal Beauty’, a British film, also about a sad state. The story was that a woman had been jilted by the man that she loved which had caused her to become depressed and also to develop paranoid schizophrenia, with all of the bizarre symptoms that went with it.

Alfonso had remarked that this kind of thing did not happen nowadays. But I knew several people that it had happened to. Many of them were still suffering from being jilted in love.

‘Why is it,’ Alfonso asked me, after we watched the movie, late in the night, ‘that this depression happens to these jilted lovers?’

‘Imagine that you have been passed over for someone else by the person whose opinion you cared about most in the world,’ I said to Alfonso. ‘It destroys your ego and your sense of self-worth. It is one of the most violent psychological acts imaginable.’

‘Do you speak with experience?’

‘Yes, indeed. Knowing that someone rejected your very self. That is the most horrible part. They rejected you entirely, your entire identity. They found you lacking. They preferred someone over you.’

‘But then,’ asked Alfonso, ‘How can you be so confident when it has happened to you?’

‘Because it is my life. Life teaches you to resign yourself to things. I was rejected from Cambridge when I passed the interview. Because I was brown and Indian and an ethnic minority man. They rejected me because of my identity. They put me on the reserve list for top jobs after I graduated from university even though I passed the interviews. Because I was brown and Indian and an ethnic minority man. Relationships? Others chosen over me. Let us not stipulate the reasons as this is the cancel culture. I have lived through it all.’

‘How have you lived through it all?’

‘Because in ‘Eternal Beauty’, the heroine blames herself. The depressed blames themselves. I don’t blame myself. I didn’t do anything wrong. I did everything right. I blame other people. It is other people that are wrong. Not me. I tell myself that I am perfect. That I am good. That I am charming, funny, clever, handsome strong. It is their judgement that is in question, not mine. I don’t subject myself to their violence and the violence of their perception.’

‘Have you ever considered to yourself that you are unloveable? Because no one loves you? Because there is always someone chosen above you?’

‘What is the love of a tyrant and an oppressor? It is not worth having. I don’t want to be loved by the oppressor. Of course, I am loveable. Because I am love itself. I am loveable because I am difference. There are still those that love difference. I am loveable because I am India.’

‘But the reality is that you are not loved.’

‘That is not decided yet. I am still young. I still have life in me. This world is full of bodies and minds. It only takes one person to love you.’

‘Do you ever feel down?’

‘Of course. Just this morning, I lay in bed. I felt exhausted by sadness. There was no reason to get up. I wanted to be away from the world and its hostility, apathy and heartlessness. Away from other people. But then, I told myself that you cannot make anyone love you. You can’t reason any one into accepting difference, accepting me, the identity of The Tiger. The fact is that I love The Tiger. The fact is that The Mother loves The Tiger. I am a god. The Mother is a goddess. This love is heavenly and eternal. Mere mortals cannot conceive of this love or imitate it. Despite the lack of love in this world, despite being jilted and rejected over and over again, I am still here. I am still striving for love for our community of Tigers in this world. I never blame us for the rejections that we get, for how we have to suffer jilting. I never blame us for not being accepted. We are pure. We are strength. We are the truth. We are love. We are loveable people. I do not accept despair. And so, I got up.’

‘Why do you think the heroine of the film had paranoid schizophrenia?’

‘Every time, the world hurt her. When she was a beauty queen, they chose her sister over her as the beauty queen. Her would be husband chose someone over her. Her new boyfriend chose someone over her. Others were living the life that she wanted to live. Others were living her happiness and her dreams. Others had someone. She was all alone. She had no one. She did not have acceptance or love. That is hurt. That is hurt not to be part of the community. They are all against her. And so, is it not natural that she would develop paranoid schizophrenia? When the whole world is out there to hurt you and take away everything from you, love and work, beauty and self, then surely you would fear all, fear this world? It is a natural response to the hostilities of this life. To the attack of the personality and the ego.’

‘Why do you think that the audience roots for this heroine, feels her pain?’

‘Do they though? Or do they find humour and entertainment in her suffering? The audience loves the spectacle of suffering which they have created through their lack of love, through their intolerance and non-acceptance of difference. Yet there is a paradox in difference. They have to monitor difference. Because it could become accepted.’

‘You identify with the heroine?’

‘Do you know something about the heroine? Even though this world is what it is, she dares to love even though she knows it will result in the destruction of the self. Because she has the heart of The Tiger. She will love. She will love with everything. She will think of nothing but love. Because she is the lover.’

‘You say that you are the lover.’

‘I believe. Knowing what this world is, I still believe that it is love that is victory, strength and fate. I believe that it will be the reign of love.’

‘You believe that because you are full of love, that you are loveable. Maybe it is the case that because you are full of love, in this world of hate, that you are unloveable.’

‘I am in the game. We will see what happens in this game. At the moment, I have some love. I have wrenched it from a world that says have none. I have fought for it.’

‘Keep fighting for it. You are love.’

‘Love is war and war is love. The warrior is a lover and the lover is a warrior. In ‘Eternal Beauty’, the heroine rends the wallpaper from the walls. She tears at the structures that enclose her, that trap her soul. She has the claws of The Tiger. She is the lover and the warrior. Love has taught us to fight.’

nothing in particular

01.04.2026

Already, it was April. The year was passing quickly. Everything was so fast nowadays. You would blink and you would miss it, that was the pace of life nowadays. We were talking about nothing in particular. Alfonso was lounging about, although he always lounged about with a certain style. He was wearing a cream suit with a pale green shirt and the top buttons were undone. I had been telling him that there were those that would listen avidly when I relayed our conversations about life and things. They were always eager for the next installment for their own unknown reasons.

Alfonso had just recommended a hotel to me for a trip that I was set on doing abroad. It was a special place and I had special plans there.

Alfonso drawled, ‘Why do you want so much to escape London? I thought that you loved London’.

I thought for a moment. I was remembering what life had been like before London, when I would only enter the city to visit my grandparents. ‘Life in London is very beautiful. But there is a world outside. There are many places outside of London. After all, it is not the world.’

‘After all, it is not the world.’ Alfonso mused. ‘But has not London become the world now? Is not the whole world like London, touched by London, a part of London?’

‘In many senses,’ I said, having considered it, ‘you are right. There is very little difference between places in the world and they are all touched by London and the West. But still, there remains that little bit of difference. And it is our duty to learn that difference and to extend it and extend it. Because there cannot be the rule of the one. There has to be difference. And I am difference.’

‘Difference is a word that you use often,’ Alfonso said with a touch of grandeur. ‘Does anyone really know what difference is? You like to say that difference is yourself. But how much are you difference and how much are you something of the same? You would have yourself as an original and the world as a copy.’

‘What is this world but a tired copy?’ I asked Alfonso. ‘Do you not tire of the grey? Do you think that a real original can exist in this world of the fascimile, of the fake?’

‘Somehow,’ archly said Alfonso, ‘you survive as an original.’

‘It comes at a price,’ I returned. ‘There is much suffering in being original.’

‘You are not a penniless starving artist in a garret,’ spoke Alfonso. ‘In fact, you have more than enough. Your belly is full.’

‘It is not what I am worth that I am rewarded with.’

‘Take what you can get.’

‘This heart craves honour.’

‘This honour that you want,’ said Alfonso, ‘it is only possible on the battlefield or if you change the world.’

‘The world is there to be changed. She is there for the turning.’

‘That is your mistake.’ Alfonso looked at me keenly. ‘What is it that fills you with this optimism, this belief in your own power to transform reality?’

‘You know my beliefs,’ I said. ‘I believe in destiny. I believe that I am destiny. I believe that I am god born upon this world. That I will answer the prayers of the people for justice and transformation, for good over evil, for love and belonging and happiness. I believe that the tears of the people should be wiped away. That there will be real diversity and inclusion in this world. I believe that the warrior will bring real peace and joy to the people. I believe that the hero has enough strength in him, that I have enough strength in me. I believe that one that wants something bad enough, that works bad enough for it, that this limitless energy and aspiration that is in me, it will come to fruition.’

‘But at the same time, you are a pessimist, cynic and a realist. You believe that man is a wolf to man.’

‘There is a difference between knowing how things are and a deluded hope. There is a difference, also, between a can-do attitude and absolute negativity. There are those that have fought before me. They have given us our hard-won rights. And it is up to us to keep fighting for them, to fight and fight and fight.’

‘You have always lost every battle.’

‘But that is not to say that I am not right. This whole world is against me. Nobody is pleased with me. Because I do not accept the rule of the majority. I do not accept dishonour. I am the greatest and the best. I am the splendour and the pride of Punjab. I am The Tiger. Why should they always have what they want? Why should they be the ones that decide? I am the one that will have what I want. I am the one that will have what I decide. Who has been able to stop me? I am the poet. I am the artist. I am the photographer. I am the writer. I am the historian. I am the journalist. I am the truth. I am justice. I am right. I am strength. I am resolve. I am revenge. I am The Tiger.’

Alfonso sighed. He believed that I always ended on a boast. But why not? There were others singing my praises but still I sang my own. What I believed was inside me, which was god, that had to be recognised in this world. There was so much good that came from me, that transformed the reality around me. I had not lost every battle. I had won many. There were so many that I had touched, that I had given to. I was aware of my own power. And, I was the culture. I was the learning of Punjab, of India. I was six thousand years. I was greatness. If it did not come out, who would know what we were? Who would know the reality of the god?

the time after work

30.03.2026

A: How was your evening?

S: Rushed. Everything is always rushed. There is a lot to do and no time to do it.

A: Have you not heard that phrase? If there is something to do, get a busy person to do it.

S: It is true.

A: So what were you up to?

S: I went to the gym where I did heavy weights, got some Rosemary and Mint oil for my hair at Superdrug as well as some Rosemary and Mint conditioner, did some window shopping in M & S, had dinner with my parents, wrote pen pal letters to two friends and applied for a management job. Messaged my girlfriend and two friends, including one who I’m discussing Shakespeare quotes with at the moment. Then, I played Scrabble, anagrams, a crossword and a jigsaw online. The last thing was writing.

A: Is that all you did out of work today?

S: No, I also listened to my Hindi music and visited the Oxfam bookshop.

A: You like to keep active and connected.

S: I wonder what it is all for. I am living life at a ferocious pace. It is all rush, rush, rush. I’m trying to fit many lives into one life. And still, there is never enough that is done. I have so many different writing projects, so many ideas in this head, so many secret knowledges that have not seen the light of day.

A: You often say that Faust got into heaven because he strove for it.

S: All of these things. Someone will look back at this one day. Wondering why this life was so busy and unrewarded. All that attempt at self-improvement which really comes to nothing in this cold and hostile world. All that genius that was wasted when I could have been extending the boundaries of human knowledge, when I could have been focusing on writing exclusively and on thinking and thinking.

A: Can you not relax?

S: Who would do all of my things for me then? How would I have a life outside of work and study and volunteering? It all has to be crammed together. Just cramming and cramming and cramming with no rest. The desire to have a good work and life balance, to have a gym routine, to fit in everyone that I know into things. The desire to keep this brain stimulated.

A: This energy that you have, it is like you are on cocaine.

S: Whatever it is, it is what my brain naturally produces. All on about six hours sleep every night.

the days of great sadness

25.03.2026

We had just finished some ice cream topped with chocolate buds, chocolate sweets and then both chocolate and raspberry sauce. Alfonso shone with the shine of a satiated stomach. I was telling him about Dhurandar 2 (The Brave Hero 2), which I had watched last night.

‘The film finished at about quarter past midnight.’

‘What time did you get home?’

‘Almost one. I went to sleep at about half past one in the morning.’

‘Why do you watch these action films? It is just violence and revenge.’

‘You are wrong. They are about honour. They are about protecting the family. They are about the duty of being a man and a hero, about attaining your revenge. They are about sacrifice and true grit. They are about energy and power. They are the films that relay our culture, the warrior culture. The hero is Punjabi. It is always about us. We are the superheroes of India and this world.’

‘Well I hope you indulged your bloodlust. You are going about London doing everything there is to do in this city. I hope you are happy.’

‘I have met my girlfriend many times recently. But despite this happiness, these are the days of absolute sadness. The days of great sadness. We look at his world. This wretched world. The real peace and happiness would be in death. This struggle that has gone on forever, this struggle for status and honour, for a just reward, for true diversity and equality, for the community, this endless striving. Then and finally then, it would be over. It is the days of death. We remember the ones that have died, our most beloved.’

‘And what philosophy is there to counter sadness?’

‘There is nothing that can counter sadness. There is nothing that can counter the suffering that The Oppressed have to face in this world. We fight our hardest against a cowardly and dishonourable foe. The whole world is our enemy.’

‘One man cannot fight the entire world.’

‘From birth, you contend with the fairness of the allocation of resources. Milk, love, food, money, recognition, power and status. If I had ever been content with the share that I received, that we have received, then I would lay down my arms. Then I would forget my sadness, our sadness. But this resource allocation has always been unfair. It is unfair. And therefore, The Tiger bares his teeth. He shows his claws. In the essence of The Tiger there is this great gaping wound, sadness.’

‘You who have chased every happiness, you have everything noble and great in this world, everything, how can you be sad? You are the most fortunate. You are the one they envy. Hindu philosophy says sadness and happiness are unreal. Emotion is a cloud.

‘Humne apnein shakaal ke dorh dikhai gaheen aini ke gum mein

Chahein hai humnein uske tudkhrein ekh mudat sein’.

‘We have seen the run of our shape in the sadness of the mirror

We have wanted its shards for an age’.

the flattery of the echo

17.03.2026

S: Recently, someone used the exact phrase that I used to describe something in a private communication when they were making a more public announcement.

A: Out of all the private messages that she got, she used your words?

S: Yes, my praise must have pleased her.

A: So she echoed you?

S: It was the flattery of the echo.

A: Analysis?

S: It could be a number of things. First of all, I am a writer. She might have thought it was the phrase that was the most apt. Perhaps when she was going ahead to write something that was semi-public to the small group, she wanted to model herself on a writer.

A: Perhaps.

S: But you also have to remember the relationship. She knew that I would know that she had echoed my phrase. After all, I wrote it. She was communicating to me that she was echoing my phrase.

A: For what reason?

S: Mirroring is a form of sociability, so is echoing. She was establishing a community between me and herself in the semi-public realm of this small group as she wrote to everyone. A community based on a written message.

A: Any other speculations?

S: There is a suggestion of emotion. I talked about my emotions in this phrase, about how I enjoyed something and how I would remember it. And she herself must have mirrored my emotions, enjoying my praise and remembering it.

A: You are a striking man. Some people are impressed by you.

S: That is exactly the right word, ‘impress’. Because I stamped myself onto her. Change in the world is driven by our influence on others and I can shape those around me.

A: Enough of this ego. Let’s get on with life.

S: Yes. I have a big assignment due in for university. There is never any time for anything but study and work. And yet, life happens and I live life too. Genius demands.

being boundlessly busy

16.03.2026

A: What is it like being busy all of the time?

S: It’s been going on all of my life. It’s what I’m used to.

A: But how is it going?

S: There is never any time for anything. Yet everything somehow gets done.

A: It is all a massive investment of time, labour and love. Isn’t it all really draining?

S: Isn’t everything?

A: What makes it work work? What is the nitty and gritty of it?

S: My mother handles everything at home. I organise everything ruthlessly. I don’t dilly and dally, I just do things. I rush everything. I am super quick as a person. I do everything straight away when I get time, on my breaks and lunch breaks, walking to and fro from places, on the commute. Besides that, I have a remarkable memory, touch type really fast and, as I often say many times, I am a genius.

A: Why do you boast so much?

S: In a honour culture, boasting is tolerated. Because it is an honour culture.

A: These that read, none of them are not Punjabi. They hold it against you.

S: False modesty is hypocritical. I am objectively a genius based on my work. The magnus opus is still unpublished but it is in first draft form. In any case, this culture would dishonour me and treat me as nothing. This is not true. I am special. I am the kind of thinker that comes every few hundred years. It is just an objective fact. Even people around me recognise that I can just go into any field and know it all. I am the last generalist in a culture of specialists. My mind is more plastic than everyone else’s. That is another reason why I can cope with being busy at this level. So, to answer your question, the more they try to put me down, the more I congratulate myself for being myself. The more that they attack my identity and devalue it, the more value that I put into it.

A: Narcissistic defence.

S: The appreciation of real value. They can’t appreciate or reward real value. They are exploitative, prejudiced and, compared to me, they are all lazy and incapable. I am the best. Objective fact. And the other thing? They have never let me do anything. They have refused me all of the jobs that I wanted to do. So despite that, I am still doing all of these jobs on a voluntary basis or for free. It is spite that keeps me going, anger that keeps all of these plates spinning, the famous stubbornness of the Punjabi. It is the community that gives me strength and courage, skill and energy. The Mother Goddess Saraswati, Goddess of Learning, she has blessed her son in a world of ignorance, selfishness and hate. This genius that comes from the lower castes, who the whole world is against, despite them he has still achieved. That is why I am god. God accepts no limitation. I am the dream of India. The dream of The Mother. The Tiger.

tiredness

15.03.2026

S: I am tired.

A: You surprise me. You are always full of energy.

S: It is 23.41. I have been up since 6 am like I am most days, most good days when I can get up. In this day, I have been at work for eight hours. In the lunch times and breaks, I shopped at a charity bookshop and I went to have a chocolate cake at a cafe. After work, I hosted a charity event, a fundraising event. I encouraged, enthused and gave out prizes. Then I went to a pub with five of my friends. I’ve fitted in two phone calls with my girlfriend too. In the morning, I did light weights, push ups and stomach crunches and meditated. I also wrote and I arranged an interview with a gurdwara (Sikh Temple) for my journalism project to help the Dalits, the lower castes in Punjab.

A: If you keep on packing in stuff like that, you are going to get tired.

S: This life is too short. There is too much to do. There is the whole world to change for the better. They have asked me to be a hero. They expect. I have asked myself to be a hero. I expect. The work of a hero. For no reward.

A: Why work yourself to the limit for them? They would not do the same for you.

S: A hero works for others, not for himself. The king works for the kingdom. Not for himself.

A: You that see yourself as a hero and a king, they do not. They see you as a villain.

S: Whatever they see me as, when I look into the mirror I see someone that cares. That wants to change the world around him. That has not accepted defeat. Someone that will do his level best to perform for the people and The Mother that see him as their prayer. Someone that can build communities around himself.

A: And this feeling, this feeling of tiredness. Is it not saying to rest, to relax? To recharge?

S: What this feeling is saying is satisfaction. The satisfaction of tiredness. To make the world a better place. Having taken on a big challenge in fundraising and having achieved it with good results, much better than estimated or expected. The satisfaction of knowing that I can do whatever I set my sights on. I enjoy this tiredness. Honest work creates honest sleep. I have deserved this rest tonight.

the new sound

11.03.2026

S: I have had my cheap wireless headphones for about eight years. I got them on my PhD when there was no money coming in so I didn’t get very good ones. All the plastic fell off. The cushioning fell off. But I didn’t get new ones because it is bad for the planet to buy products. And finally, after all that time, I got some new ones because they have been playing up.

A: What do you make of them?

S: They were half price so I just guessed that the expensive price would be a marker of their quality. And I was not wrong. They are the most powerful headphones that I have ever listened to. I have to keep the volume at about half on my smartphone to be able to bear the sound. The bass is ludicrous. It is like being in a club. They are amazing.

A: I’m glad that you’re pleased about your purchase.

S: Do you know what? The sound of Punjab is exactly like these new headphones.

A: In what way?

S: Punjabi music is known for its energetic and vibrant quality. It is known for its power. And these headphones are power.

A: What are they?

S: Skullcandy Evo Crusher headphones. Even the name – it means that the vibrations crush your senses. They are amazing. I will only ever buy these headphones from now on.

A: Are they paying you to say these things? What’s the commission?

S: Do you know one of the moments of supreme happiness in my life? My father bought me a Sony Walkman with a radio in it when I was a kid. I didn’t want anything else. I had never had anything so special. I had never heard something on headphones before. We had a shared stereo between me and my two brothers. I used to listen to the Walkman at night time in bed in the dark. These headphones remind me of that happiness. I am sorry that my happiness bothers you. You also don’t very much approve of my sadness or anger. Emotion bothers you.

A: I am happy you are happy. It is good to sing the praises of those things full of praise. Enjoy the music. Everyone deserves happiness. After all, what else do we look for in life? Now you have a new soundtrack to life. Everything will be fresh again, all your songs.

good grades

08.03.2026

A: How have you kept up motivation for four years of university study while you work seventy or more hours a week? How can you even be on for a Distinction?

S: Tiger is hunger. If Tiger was not hunger, he would not be The Tiger.

A: What is this hunger for learning?

S: The mind of The Tiger is the mind of a genius. The genius does not ask permission to be a genius. He just is. The Tiger does not need to work hard to be a genius, although this Tiger does work hard. Everything comes easily to a genius.

A: But hunger?

S: Stimulation. The ability to do the work and the thinking is sorely wanted. And there is another factor.

A: Which is?

S: In India, they would not let our people learn. They kept us down. By denying us an education. This hunger is for the people.

A: So you will take three different undergraduate degrees as well as your masters and your doctorate.

S: Do you know why I studied Art History at university level? Because Rishi Sunak told us not to do any degrees that he considered useless. I am culture. I am India. I am the eye of Punjab. I am the scholar in the war, the warrior. They cannot manacle this mind. I am freedom. So in protest at this government and its dismantling of the humanities, I did that degree out of anger and spite. I am the Revolutionary and I believe in the Revolution. We will change vision.

A: Your beliefs are ridiculous. No one agrees with anything that you say.

S: I do not need the ignorant and the idiotic to agree with anything that I say. This hunger for learning, no one can quell it. I have seen tomorrow because I am the past, the present and the future. I am The Tiger. It is the wisest that truly rule in this world. I am the leader of thought. I know my importance in the world of thought. I know my place. There is only one place for the genius: at the top. That is the hunger for the good grades which I am getting. The competition of thought. And I will see Punjab as the winner. The French have had their turn. The Germans have had their turn. Now it is Punjab’s turn. The dominant have had their turn on the podium. Now it is the turn for The Oppressed, the Dalits. Jai Maa Kaali! Inquilaab zindabaad! (Hail the Dark Mother! Long Live The Revolution!)

the unequal bargain between the world and the genius

05.03.2026

S: If you investigate thoroughly, you will see that life is not fair.

A: How so?

S: Look at these wars in Iran. What have the common people done to deserve these deaths and these atrocities? It is the politicians that have inspired the fight. Yet, who suffers? The innocent. It is always the innocent that suffer.

A: Sometimes you say the people are one with the politicians.

S: It is the dirtiness and the ubiquity and omnipotence of the state for these worshippers of the state. They do not have the courage to do without the state. They cannot rule themselves like we can. They are not powerful like we are. They do not believe in themselves. They believe in the state. Where we would see its death, all they want is to breathe their life into the state.

A: How else is life unfair?

S: The young, they will inherit a barren earth because of the selfishness and greed of these around us, their ignorance and apathy. The exploited of the earth have nothing. The ones that choose who will work and who will play, who can say that their decisions are fair? The lottery of life. I have been born into a country with wealth while others starve and sing for pennies.

A: A bad account of the world all around.

S: Have you ever also considered the unequal bargain between the world and the genius? The world gives the genius nothing but hate and apathy and misunderstanding. And the genius? Because of his wisdom, the genius gives the world everything as a gift. The fact that genius has to be a gift with no reward and no recognition tells you about this world. It is exploitation. It is cruelty. It is selfishness and greed. It is arrogance.

A: How can you change the unfairness of the world?

S: I will not be like them and lie to say that the world is fair. I will not close my eyes to the truth. I will call it out. What else is there? You think these will let the world become fair? Of course not. It serves them to be unfair and they benefit from its unfairness.