the list of things done

29.06.2026

Again, A. asks me who I am. Are we what we do? This is what I did today. What does it say about me? A. never comments.

Meditation and chi building. To maintain mental clarity, focus and balance.
Reading the newspaper (The BBC website and The Metro). To keep in touch with things. To stay up to date. To connect with the wider world.
Exercise with light weights. Mens sana in corpora sana.
Languages learning in Hindi, Punjabi, Urdu, German, Spanish and French (reading novels, short stories, the news, reading a German grammar book). Because of the challenge, the thrill of learning, connection with my own culture. Connection with the world.
Reading British history. To learn more about this world that I have arrived in. To be erudite and learned.
Reading ‘The Ecology Book’. To face the environmental disaster.
Reading psychology articles. To learn more about the strangers that surround me and the strangeness in myself.
Watching videos. Pleasure, entertainment, enjoyment.
Reading about Christiano Ronaldo on social media. Looking up to a hero that is like myself, the achiever, the goal getter, and understanding the hate sent to him by the jealous.
Phoning my girlfriend. To feel connected to someone, to feel intimate. To show that I care.
Taking my family around London, a museum and the Royal Opera House. Family ties require duty and care.
Playing Scrabble. Keeping the mind nimble.
Doing a crossword. Keeping the memory agile.
Doing anagrams. Keeping creativity and language playing in the mind.
Doing a jigsaw puzzle. Keeping visual processing in check.
Listening to Hindi music on my headphones. Connecting with the culture, enjoyment, language learning.
Writing to my pen pals. Keeping connected. Helping people to stay connected.
Writing some fiction. The drive to write is a compulsion and my biggest ambition.
Quick doodles. To keep the artist’s hand in training.
Looking at photographs and art on social media. To learn and learn and learn again. To be stimulated. To be one with creativity.

cristiano ronaldo and admiration in its forties

24.06.2026

A: Why do you like Ronaldo so much? You don’t even watch football.

S: I have played football when I was younger. It’s not like I don’t know anything about it. Ronaldo is inspirational because he has kept up that hunger into his forties. He is still running past defenders half his age. He is the best looking out there. He has transcended the game. He is an icon.

A: An icon for you. Why?

S: Just like me, he is the greatest.

A: I knew it would come down to narcissism.

S: The genuinely great man, whether it is Ronaldo or myself, comes from humble origins. He is known for his greatness. He becomes a success. He becomes the captain, the leader.

A: For him, it is true. How do you put yourself into that category?

S: Actually, there is not as much difference as you think. Ronaldo has many critics. Much of the public is against him. With me, too, it is those in the game that will not give me my due. I know that I have produced works of genius. However, I am in the humanities. The genius is ignored.

A: Also, you will not publish that book that you have written. The one that you claim is your masterwork.

S: Anyone that reads my work realises that I am completely original. That is the mark of a genius. It is what my tutors and lecturers at university have been telling me my whole life. Anyone that reads my work knows that it is brilliant. If I were to say that I was a genius without any proof about it, then that would be megalomania. What I say is justified by the response that I have got from experts in the field. I can go into any field and write these works of brilliance. That is why I know that I am a genius.

A: But then, Ronaldo. Why this identification with him?

S: What he does on the football field, I do in the world of thought. And, despite all the ones that are coming into things, like him, I still maintain my status as the fastest, the best, as the true leader. We are doing it in our forties, when the world would try and write us off.

A: It is extraordinary that the narcissist would celebrate another.

S: They all wrote him off. He still did it and keeps on doing it. Why? Because as they said when he scored those goals yesterday, he has worked tirelessly and relentlessly to raise himself above everyone else. Just like I have all throughout my life.

A: He has his reward. You have nothing.

S: In football, the results are undeniable. You get the goal. In writing? In the humanities? It is not a fair game. They are out to silence us. They are out to marginalise us. They do not want to include our agenda. And despite that? I am still the genius in the field. It is not the recognition of the oppressor that decides virtue and talent. It is the self belief and achievement of the oppressed.

the control of words and the words of control

08.06.2026

A: I see that you have rested a few days. Do you no longer feel the compulsion to write?

S: I am losing this compulsion.

A: Why?

S: You know the story behind all this. The situation has gone. Life has transformed.

A: Yet you have written your whole life. What is this new reluctance?

S: One looks at what writing has given to one. What is it but less than an handful of dust?

A: There, you are wrong. It is writing that has given you the mind that is a razor. It is writing that has given you your ability to think, reason, argue and fight for what is right. In short, it is writing that has given you everything. Including a name. Not everyone has a name. Do not forget that. You are the envy of the world. You have a public reputation. You are the champion of the community.

S: It is not particularly satisfying.

A: You are too demanding. You are never content. But remember, it is writing that has given you your freedom. Because you write the truth.

S: Writing is about the control of words. It is the words of control.

A: You do not find freedom in what you write?

S: Can one then write anything?

A: Should one write just anything? Surely you only want to write the truth? And the truth, it must have limits. Therefore, you cannot write whatever.

S: I want to exceed all limits.

A: And truth?

S: Perhaps the truth is too limited.

A: You have told me that you escape from the confines of control. Because you are the Independence of India and you are The Tiger. Is it not true?

S: That is the question for my readers to decide.

A: And there. We have had our conversation. You will begin to write again. Because it is important for our community to express ourselves. And you are important for our community. You build the community. You are its architect, inspiration, prayer and god.

S: One writes with reluctance. One fights with reluctance. Yet one does these things. Duty is greater than comfort. Honour is greater than complacency. And virtue? It is more important than life.

so much to say

04.06.2026

S: Have you ever wondered why the words never run out?

A: What do you mean?

S: I write and speak often of the same topics. India, racism, cynicism, pessimism, oppression, duty, courage, the life of a writer and an intellectual, marginalisation, alienation, depression. But the words never run out. There is an unlimited universe of language about these things.

A: You keep on spinning and spinning out this web.

S: And so does everyone. The spewers of hate have an unlimited amount of hate. The structure of racism is all pervading and systematic in this society and creates an unending spiral of words too.

A: Why spend your time dissecting and analysing racism?

S: Indeed. It makes no difference. The rational cannot fight the irrational. Knowledge cannot win over ignorance and prejudice.

A: You believe that?

S: Do you have the experience of being a genius in this world? Genius is unwanted. Why do you think there are so few geniuses? What they want is the malleable cretin. And that is what most are. Gullible. Weak. Impotent. Why else would this society be like it is?

A: You believe that only you have your wits about you? You believe that only you are strong? That only you are powerful?

S: The genius is the revolutionary. The genius is the hope of the Oppressed. Oppression cannot have genius. It can only have idiocy and slaves.

A: And we come to it again. This is why your words never run out. Because all you do is boast.

S: People read these boasts time and time again.

A: You have only a handful of readers.

S: So what? Those that have many readers and listeners are corrupt in their thoughts and their minds. Their fans worship hate and intolerance.

A: What is surprising is not so much that there is this unending stream of words in you, but the incomprehensible fact that anyone pays attention to anything that you are saying.

S: What they see in this stream of words is the eternity of the truth. And the limitlessness of true genius. You laugh. It is good to see a friend laughing, when what we see most every day are the tears of those closest to us.

the shamelessness of truth, the shamelessness of racism and unlikeability

02.06.2026

S: Truth is absolutely shameless.

A: How?

S: However much truth costs, its expression must never be arrested. Truth can never be ashamed whatever the consequences and how they attempt to silence it. This world, it wants to listen to sycophancy and hate. It wants to listen to ignorance and prejudice. It wants its own way. I say fuck no. What is so good about your way? What about our way? Fuck your lip service about inclusion and diversity when you are all narrow minded and arrogant and completely non inclusive. Fuck your so-called ‘tolerance’ which really shows what you think of us and the lack of respect you give anyone that is in any way different. In short, fuck you. We do not agree with you. We do not sympathise with you. We do not want to be like you. We do not want to fit in with you. It is you that are wrong. We criticise. We denounce. And we aim to be as different from you as we can.

A: And even when truth is controversial?

S: Yes. When this world is one of sexual repression. When this world denies the reality of the body and desire. When this world is one of addicts and those who shape their whole culture around drugs such as alcohol. When this world is full of philistines and sickening conformity. When this world is full of poor judgement and unfairness and ignorance. Yes, we will say the controversial truths. What the fuck can anyone do about it? No one can argue against the truth. They can try, with their lies. But they can’t demolish the truth. It is the truth alone that is triumphant. And what if they hate us for saying so? Unlikeability in this culture is a badge of honour. Because we are unlikeable because we are not racists and don’t agree to their racism. We are not ignorant and do not agree to their ignorance. We are diverse, that is why we are unlikeable. We have our own minds. We have our own thoughts. We do not conform to them. And if that is unlikeable, so fucking what? So fucking what if it costs you something to be unlikeable? It is the unlikeable people that are the shapers and movers of culture. Not them. They are just pricks.

A: But have you not said that racism is also shameless?

S: It is. Absolutely. These people are not ashamed of their racism. They are not ashamed of their unfair assessments and bigotry. They are not ashamed of their superiority complex. It is obvious to see in who they choose amongst themselves and their leaders. In their policies and in their thinking and their laws.

A: Be true and be unlikeable then. They don’t like anyone to call out what they are doing.

S: Yet, it is the truth.

A: They accuse you of being pig-headed and never blaming yourself.

S: What is it that they are doing? Exactly the same thing. And I am right. It is them that are wrong. They just have more power than me through their racism. But I don’t want power that comes from racism, the power to say that what is wrong is right. I want the power of the truth, to say what is right is right and what is wrong is wrong. And therefore, I will remain unlikeable, hated and not succeed to the power that they have. Because their power is oppression and I do not want to oppress.

the significance of genius

26.05.2026

A: You are always boasting that you are a genius. You are also always saying that others are not on your intellectual level. Do you believe that you are better than other people because you are a genius?

S: Yes. Because I worked hard to become a genius. I am on my fifth degree. I spent my PhD years all by myself all day for several years. Why shouldn’t I boast about being the best? Why shouldn’t I think I am better than others? I sincerely believe that a mind like mine only comes around once every few hundred years.

A: And what is this genius in? Criticism. All you do is criticise.

S: And I am the genius at it. And besides the criticism, there is the explanation, the secret truths that make up the self in a world of imperialism, hate and oppression. What would happen if I didn’t say that I was a genius? They would think themselves better than me because they did not come from the working class. They would think themselves better than me because I am Indian. They would think themselves better than me because I come from the Untouchables, the Dalits. Therefore, I say that I am better than them. Because they judge me on how I was born. But I judge people on what they have achieved. And I have achieved the most. What have they achieved in comparison to me? I know the secrets of this world that only I can see and understand.

A: What about humility?

S: Why should a genius have humility? I am exceptional, special, whatever you want to say about it. I know my own importance in thought and in history.

A: People hate that you think you are better than them.

S: They should know how they inspire hate from us, from the fact that they think they are better than us.

A: Why can you not say that you are equal to them?

S: Because I believe in the rule of reason and of the intellect. I believe that society is best run by those that think the best, that are the most intelligent. I believe that because I am the genius, it is I that should rule. And them? They think that the ones that should rule are the rich and the powerful. That is what stupidity gets you. That’s why I am better than them in every way.

the drying out of hunger

21.05.2026

S: I am feeling the hunger drying in me.

A: You have just finished four years of study. You are entitled to rest.

S: The biggest challenge to the warrior is not the enemy. The enemy is weak and ignoble, a coward. They are non-men. The big challenge is to keep the hunger for revenge.

A: It has been many years that you have been fighting in this war. You are getting old. How long can anger last?

S: This rage must last for an eternity.

A: Work yourself up. Remember what they have done to you, the Oppressed, and The Mother. It is the duty of the warrior to fight even after the head has been lost.

S: This lonesome war. This spiritual war that will never end. Where the fight comes only from one side, my side. Where there are no worthy companions. This spiritual war in which the warrior has to hold onto his humiliation.

A: This is the reality of war. It takes all. It takes much. And you must take it.

S: In the film Ghayal (Wounded), the hero of revenge watches all of his companions fall about him until he is the last man standing.

A: Even he had a companion at last. You have no one. You are alone. Dharma is to follow the duty of the situation that you are in. There is no one but you. Therefore you are the war and The Revolution. You entirely. That brain of yours has marked you for solitude. You are exceptional. Therefore you are the leader of this movement. You are the Independence. It is for you to do everything and anything. It is for you to create the voice and the vision of The Revolution. Just through your existence you are the fight.

S: You are the one that believes in me.

A: Only they who have felt the wound can believe. You have felt the wound too, intensely. We are one. But it is you that has the talent.

S: This talent is a burden.

A: Life itself is a burden. And still we bear it.

S: Tomorrow, once more, The Tiger will rage.

A: It is the prayer of the people to see this anger vanquish all. It is the time of the demon and the liar. Sin has outweighed goodness in the world. The Mother, they have stripped her naked and they come to rob her of her honour. She has cried out for her son, for the anger of The Tiger. You will not defend your Mother? You are not a man?

S: You are right. For all that they do there will be a reckoning. We count the insults and when the time comes we will devour them. This drying of hunger, it is a sickness that they try to instill in us. Our strength is our anger. Because it is the anger of justice. We have sworn to protect what we hold dearest. The Mother expects and we must meet that expectation. Otherwise, she who is most precious will be lost to those that learn and teach hate and oppression. Warrior duty is the war. Love asks for revenge. The coward cannot be the victor.

the false benevolence of the law and its corruption

14.05.2026

In the Mardaani 3 film, the villains are Amma which means ‘Mother’ and her son. The female cop pits herself against the identity of The Mother, the poor woman.

Or does she?

There is a curious mirroring between The Mother and the female cop (The Law). Amma criticises the law by saying it serves the rich, not the poor girls. The female cop criticises the law for serving the rich and not the poor girls. Amma uses a certain strategy with her son to infiltrate the law. The female cop copies her strategy to infilitrate Amma’s criminal network.

The female cop also uses the body of Amma as a weapon, as the solution to resolving all of the issues in the case. She exploits the mother son bond and the figure of the poor woman Mother. In the movie, there is also the invocation of the Mother figure of power for the female cop as a puppet show is depicted in which Durga The Mother Queen, the Mother goddess fights against her enemies.

At the same time that the movie is hostile to the poor Mother and depicts her as a criminal that exploits poor girls, the film is trying to reclaim her body and position for the law. It is copying the poor mother as the source of real legitimacy. This is because the film is going against the traditional culture of India which is to celebrate the poor mother as the source of legitimacy and authority. Ask me, I am named after it, the son that weds Mother India in the movie of the name with the poor Mother in it. There is this false face of benevolence to the law because the female cop is supposedly trying to help the poor girl, she is supposedly good.

But the law is not good. It is trying to destroy the power and the legitimacy of the poor Mother. It is trying to destroy the Mother/Son bond of protection and love in the movie. While no one is justifying child trafficking or any of the villainous aspects of the villains in the movie, it is worthwhile noting how they attempt to demonise the poor Mother. Amma is supposed to be attacking and killing poor girls, which is actually what the female cop is doing because she kills and silences Amma in the movie by shooting her in the throat, suppressing and marginalising the voice of the poor Mother. She does the same to the son that loves the poor Mother. Amma is supposed to be exploiting the bodies of poor girls, but who else does this? It is the female cop by exploiting Amma’s body as a weapon.

The law is falsely benevolent and it is corrupt. The fact is that the female cop acts for and with the rich and powerful Father of the rich girl. Against the poor Mother.

The Rise of the Anti-Mother and Anti-Son Film and Western Law

13.05.2026

SPOILER ALERTS

Coming from a society that worships The Mother, where the duty is to be the son and lover of The Mother, I have written before about how the traditional Indian film has protested against the sexual repression of the West and its law which is based on an Asian Mother phobia. This phobia of the Asian mother reveals that The Mother is the Other to Western law, which is misogynistic and fears maternal or feminine authority. https://cafedissensus.wordpress.com/2022/05/30/there-is-no-bad-mother-beta-and-the-indian-mother-law-against-the-wests-asian-mother-phobia/

More and more, as I watch current films and watch current movies, I am learning just how far this misogyny and phobia of the mother goes in Western culture, or its unconscious legal culture. I am currently reading the Skandar the Unicorn books. The author worked in the law. Guess who is the villain in the first two books (I have only just begun the second one)? It is The Mother.

I watched ‘Polite Society’ the other day. Aside from the usual racism in these films about British Asian people – i.e. the British Asian man can never get married in these films because ‘there is something wrong with him’, guess who was the villain? It was The Mother. And the film spent all of its time making the mother/son bond loathsome as well through the eyes of the spoilt and Westernised British Asian female in it that seemed to hate the culture of the older generation.

Today I watched ‘Mardaani 3’, a cop film. Guess who was the villain? You guessed it. The character that was named ‘Amma’, or The Mother. And guess what? The Asian man in the film was also a villain because of the maternal relationship between himself and The Mother.

Mardaani 3 is worth analysing. The Mother comes from a poor family and has a Haryanvi dialect accent which suggests the rural. While no one is saying that she is a good character, because she is a child trafficker, the point is how the law in the form of the film’s heroine finishes her. She is shot in the throat. And then, when she can’t answer back, and the law has silenced the voice of this poor woman, the heroine of the film gives a big monologue. Same with the son. He comes from the poor. And he is also silenced when he is finished. The whole point of these films is to silence the poor Mother and the son that loves her and protects her.

Why am I talking about Indian films alongside British Asian films and British Literature? Because India was colonised and Western law was forced on us. This misogyny comes from the West. However, there are still sons that come from poor mothers. I am one of them. We will not accept this misogyny because we have sworn to protect our mothers. I represent the Indian national movement. I was named after the son that married Mother India. Against the hatred of The Mother and this legal culture, we stand for dharma, the organic law of India. I have modelled myself on my mother, the poor, foreign woman. The poor Indian woman. I am her voice. Even when the whole of this Western culture and its law is against us, wants to silence us. Because as I have written before, the dharma is the Mother-Law. We will never stop worshipping The Mother. Just like The Dark Mother stood as a symbol of Revolution against the Imperialists, so we still stand. We are the rivals of the oppressions and injustices of the Western law, its marginalisations and suppressions. Jai Maa Kaali!

fake friends and demob happiness

06.05.2026

S: You know, Alfonso, you are a real friend. You are always reliable. There are no wires crossed with you. It is always comfortable talking to you.

A: Is this a buttering up?

S: Not at all. I am comparing you to fake friends. A fake friend is not dependable. There are always wires crossed with a fake friend. And, eventually if not at first, it is uncomfortable talking to a fake friend.

A: Don’t let these fake friends bother you. They don’t care about you. Don’t care about them either.

S: Because I don’t lie, I don’t expect others to lie to me. To pretend that they are friends. I just can’t believe what users these fake friends are. You help them. You give them presents. You look after them and listen to their troubles. And in the end? They betray you.

A: They are not worth your spit. I don’t know why you worry so much about their betrayals and the fact that they are users. You have seen what they are like. Why be upset about them after that? They are not worth it. You are too good for them.

S: A big heart hurts big time.

A: Harbour your emotions and your investment for those that are worthy of it. You have been told by people that love you that you love too freely. You accept friendship too freely. Learn that they have to prove themselves. You cannot trust others.

S: So you yourself are telling me that you cannot trust other people?

A: Trust is earned. Sadly you have seen what this society produces. There are not worthy and honourable people now.

S: Well let us forget these fake friends the same way that they have forgotten us.

A: Tell me about your day.

S: I went to visit the V and A East. I did the upper ground floor. I went to the gym and pushed some heavy weights and did running on the treadmill, so fast that I went dizzy at the end of it. I shopped at M & S and bought some beef udon noodles for lunch as well as some reduced price Cadbury’s Creme eggs at Tesco’s and reduced price chicken and sweetcorn sandwiches to take around with me tomorrow. I finished the first draft of my dissertation for my Art History degree. So I will take a day off tomorrow before I revise it. I went to the park and smelled the scent of the flowers, watched the work of the bees at the flowers, communicated with nature and admired the flight of the birds. Dinner was chicken biryani, one of my favourite dishes that my mother makes.

A: A good day, forget about the troubles. Live life. It is fuller than theirs.